The stars have aligned. I think.
Every Monday morning when I lay in bed refusing to get up before my third alarm, I flick through some horoscope blog in the back streets of the internet. Are they ever really accurate? No. Do I think my mood is more influenced by the amount of chocolate I consume rather than the orbiting patterns of Venus? Very much so.
But reading what the stars have planned for you is fun. And when your day consists of 3 finance meetings, a bland sandwich and a broken umbrella, all entertainment is appreciated. So today you are in for a cosmic treat – I’ve combined everyone’s two favourite pastimes (retail therapy and horoscopes), to create a zodiac-approved wardrobe update.
Listen to the cosmos – this is the accessory your horoscope needs.
Disclaimer: Do not make any important life decisions based on the information in this blog post. I am powerful, but cannot get your boss to hire you back after you quit yelling “Mercury is in retrograde”.
Aries: Kenzo Coin Necklace
Oh boy Aries, you feisty child of fire. The new moon entering your sign on August 21 is a solar eclipse, and we all know what that means! Actually we don’t, so I’ll explain: a new chapter is coming. If you’re serious about that little thing we all call love (or, at least, mutual attraction), go out and mingle! Make sure you’ve got this Kenzo necklace on to keep a third eye out for the one.
$226.36 / MYER
Taurus: Nikita Studded Suede Skirt
Your element is earth and your ruler is venus. Translation: you are that frustratingly relatable #instagram girl who’s been sashaying up and down the Amalfi coast for the past month. I’ve seen the snaps you posted. All 1356 of them. I’ve been freezing my extremities off in the Perth cold, while you’ve had your hair tied up in an effortless top knot sipping cellar-aged red wine from the deck of a yacht. Obviously I’m envious, but I bow my head and urge you to continue on with the fun. Go, you sweet bohemian princess. Dance into the Italian night with this sway-able Steele skirt.
Gemini: Fit Bit Alta HR
Gemini – will you give it a break? I understand that you’re constantly on the go. I respect your energy for life. But when we catch up on a Sunday morning, I’m thinking more pancakes with a chai latte – not a 10km run. You’ve definitely had the leg-up over the last month, with 2 eclipses AND 2 retrogrades entering your house and bringing the party. You’ll find me near the punch bowl, nibbling on the fairy bread.
Cancer: Dolce & Gabanna Sunglasses
Let’s talk about Pluto, who is being a real pain to you at the moment. You’re in search of an intense romantic connection and all that little ball of nitrogen is giving you is bad news. Please know that I am not standing for this, I’ve already petitioned the intergalactic governing board to downgrade his status from planet to orbiting junk matter. I get that you want to lay low though, so hide those teary eyes fashionably with these Dolce & Gabbana glasses. They’re NASA approved too.*
* they are not.
Sunglass Hut at Myer; $450
Leo: Mossman Prince Of Persia Jacket
Firstly, happy birthday you beautiful lioness. Hope you get the first pick of the grass under the savannah trees and are gifted some slow gazelle. But moving on from the sub-sahara, Leo’s are beautifully stubborn creatures mixed in with a touch of drama and self-expression. And what turns heads more than a extravagantly lush faux fur coat? A pink one, obviously.
Virgo: Piper Black Leather Loafers
Virgo, I didn’t know this about you, but you’re apparently the most methodological, detail-oriented and organised of the signs. I suppose I should have seen it coming. Scheduling in that Sunday coffee date 8 months in advance. That one time you brought your financial diary to the club. It’s totally fine though. Just make sure you’re wearing comfy shoes as you do all this running around. I’m getting dizzy just watching you go.
$139.95 / MYER
Libra: Cue Chiffon Cape Dress
Oh, looks like Venus has been skirmishing with Jupiter this past week. That doesn’t sound good. Or does it? I feel like we all need to remember I’m just squinting out my window with no official astrology training. Regardless, with scales as their vigil, Libras are all about keeping the balance. This symmetrical number from Cue maintains cosmic order for you.
$360 / MYER
Scorpio: Bardot Kora Biker Jacket
Scorpio is the mesmerising bad boy of the zodiac. Calm and cool, they are the ones slinking into parties they aren’t invited too and leaving with more friends than the host. Drink of choice? Dark and stormy. Method of transportation? Motorbike, Cadillac or Batmobile. Daily uniform? Black biker jacket and brazen attitude.
Sagittarius: Jag Field Bag
Sagittarius! Where are you reading this article from? The carved cliffs of Petra? The back of a camel in the Simpson desert? An airport lounge? Your sign has long been linked to travel and adventure, which probably explains why falling into a comfort zone scares you more than a falling into the Nile River. Keep your passport, binoculars, guidebook and crocodile repellent all close by with this nifty field bag.
Capricorn: Fossil Jacqueline Leather Watch
Capricorn, before we start, can we please discuss why your emblem is a slightly unsettling goat/mermaid hybrid? You can’t just go creating new species of fauna. You need government clearance and an in-depth knowledge of biological science (If, however, you have both of these, I am profoundly sorry and retract my statement). I’m running out of room to justify your purchase, so here it is quickly: your sign represents time and responsibility.
Next time, don’t distract me with mystical animals.
$179 / MYER
Aquarius: Piper Felt Lieutenant Cap
Aquarians, time to put on that thinking cap. August has been a wild month of changed priorities, reshuffled plans, transforming relationships, a whole lot of coffee and strong cocktails too. Everything’s up in the air and you’re running around like a madman trying to catch it all before it hits the ground. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you how inherently relaxing letting go of all order is. So turn your head away from the sky and staunch off into the sunset with accompanying theme music. *Cue Highway to Hell*
$39.95 / MYER
Pisces: Christie Nicolaides Atria Earrings
Piiiiiiiiiiscccesssss. Imagine that spoken in parseltongue and reverberated through the chamber of secrets. You live your life with a dash of myth and magic, which is most likely why you are still waiting for an owl to burst from your fireplace with a Hogwarts acceptance letter. Now, I’m not saying give up on your wizardry dreams – just don’t put all your hippogriffs in one paddock. Find a slice of magic in these bewitching Christie Nicolaides earrings.
$229 / MYER
Title Image From Cue.